dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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