I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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