He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
