dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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