Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
