I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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