I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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