My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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