Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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