i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
