I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
