I could make wine with my vomit
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
