I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
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Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
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You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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