im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
