I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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