I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
