tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
