i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
