My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i believe in u and ur pee
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
