Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
