I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
