I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
