I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
