Acid is not a monday night drug
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
