There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
false alarm. still invincible.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
