Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
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