i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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