Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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