Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
