im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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