I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
