Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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