Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
