I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
