My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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