We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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