I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dignity is for republicans.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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