i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
