Old men and throwing up are my life now.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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