It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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