I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
