do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
