you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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