My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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