; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
