You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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