I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
