3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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