I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
