I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
