just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
