my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
They took my balls.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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