Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
