Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i dont even know how to be here
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
