I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
